Go Back   PhotographyCorner.com Forums > Photography Corner > Conversation Corner

Welcome to the PhotographyCorner.com Forums.

You are currently viewing our forum as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, photographs and access our other FREE features. By joining our free community you will have access to post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), vote on contests like the Photograph of the Month and Contest Corner Challenges, upload your own photos and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.

Archive Suite top banner
 
Thread Tools
  #1    Top
Old August 24th, 2006, 06:39 PM
Scott U.'s Avatar
Scott U. Scott U. is offline
A Totally Awesome Guy
Recent Photo: Purple
Silver Commitment Award: This award is given to those who have shown great community dedication & commitment and have over 2,000 posts. - Issue reasonContributor Award: This award is given to those who contribute either an article for the resources section, or contribute to the community in another exemplary way. - Issue reasonContributor Award: This award is given to those who contribute either an article for the resources section, or contribute to the community in another exemplary way. - Issue reasonBronze Commitment Award: This award is given to those who have shown great community dedication & commitment and have over 1,000 posts. - Issue reason
"Ernie the Lizard"....it's long, but worth it!!

“Ernie the Lizard”


If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged!
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on it’s... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea,"
Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless!

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
  #2    Top
Old August 24th, 2006, 07:08 PM
fa1sal's Avatar
fa1sal fa1sal is offline
Premiere Member
Recent Photo: Destiny
Photograph of the Month Winner: This award is given to the photographer who wins a Photograph of the Month Contest. - Issue reasonPhotograph of the Year Winner: This award is given to the photographer who wins a Photograph of the Year Contest. - Issue reasonPhotograph of the Year Finalist: This award is given to a photographer who was a finalist in the Photograph of the Year Contest. - Issue reasonPhotograph of the Month Winner: This award is given to the photographer who wins a Photograph of the Month Contest. - Issue reasonContest Corner Challenge Winner: This award is given to the photographer who wins a Contest Corner Challenge. - Issue reason
LOL. I laughed at every paragraph! Very fuuny, Scott. Thanks for sharing.
__________________
Faisal Almalki | My website

follow me on Facebook & twitter
  #3    Top
Old August 24th, 2006, 08:33 PM
maralynn85 maralynn85 is offline
Elite Member
roflmao oh my...great story, very much worth it!
  #4    Top
Old August 24th, 2006, 10:08 PM
alyeska41 alyeska41 is offline
Easily Confused
Recent Photo: Stone Wall
Platinum Commitment Award: This award is given to those who have shown great community dedication & commitment and have over 10,000 posts. - Issue reasonGold Commitment Award: This award is given to those who have shown great community dedication & commitment and have over 5,000 posts. - Issue reasonSilver Commitment Award: This award is given to those who have shown great community dedication & commitment and have over 2,000 posts. - Issue reasonBronze Commitment Award: This award is given to those who have shown great community dedication & commitment and have over 1,000 posts. - Issue reason
too funny
__________________
A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car

Kenneth Tynan
  #5    Top
Old August 24th, 2006, 10:17 PM
al58's Avatar
al58 al58 is offline
Premiere Member
OMG! Thats just too funny. Scott I wouln't put that on the internet if I were you. LOL
__________________
"You will never possess
what you will not pursue."

~Dr. Cynthia Hale~
  #6    Top
Old August 24th, 2006, 11:02 PM
Terri's Weekend Photos Terri's Weekend Photos is offline
Elite Member
Lol

Scott, You are right, that was PRICELESS!!! LOL. And Al58, it is too late, it is already on the internet. LOL. I really enjoyed the good laugh Scott. Thanks for sharing. LOL.
Sponsors
Go Back   PhotographyCorner.com Forums > Photography Corner > Conversation Corner




Bookmarks

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Unibind Introduces "your Book" & "my Photobook" Binding Solutions At On Demand Show Corner Reporter Photography News 0 February 29th, 2008 12:40 PM
Digital Foci "Image Moments" Wins "Hot One" Award For 2nd Year In A Row Corner Reporter Photography News 0 January 7th, 2008 02:40 PM
Not a "new" member, just haven't been on for a long while rflorence Member Introductions 5 March 8th, 2007 08:17 AM
Introducing "Waiting on a Friend," the New Photo-Illustration in the "Old World" Series by Atlanta-Based Photographer Rob McDonald Corner Reporter Photography News 0 September 22nd, 2006 09:00 AM


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:43 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.2
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.